Platonic friends and jealousy
Yesterday's Guardian column
Can people ever be just friends if they would otherwise be attracted to each other? This is a subject that comes up a lot in my Guardian column but also in life (especially amongst younger people). When I moved to Suffolk nearly 20 years ago, I did so with a full complement of male friends (I am heterosexual). This was not a big deal, outside of adolescence, in London. But in the country, in the playground, it caused some consternation.
”You’re just friends?”I would get asked over and over again. Some people almost bust a gut when they found out my husband had a female best friend that he went (with my encouragement since they had been friends before I came along) to New York with.
Children tend to have a very black and white view of these things. Every man I ever spoke to, my children would go huffy over and say “he loves you” and I’d have to explain that men and women can just talk to one another and they not be about to run away with one another. This binary view tends to dissipate in one’s 20s. Perhaps because as we grow and have more life experiences we realise that people really can just be friends. Can’t they? But also in your 20s you do hopefully get more confident to be able to say “I really like you, but just as a friend” if there is any doubt. I did this to great effect in my 20s. There was a man at work I really liked (as a friend) but wasn’t sure how he felt so one day, on a great wave of bravery, I changed the habit of a life time and instead of letting fear make me cool the budding friendship, I said “I really like you as a friend and I want to be nice to you and it not be misinterpreted” and he said “wow, I wish more women could be straight like that”.
I’d like to say we became great friends, and are friends to this day, but he left not long after that so I’ll never know.
Yesterday’s Ask Annalisa Guardian column was about a bit more than just that. For one, how does Ann do her vegetables? For two, a reaction as extreme as this is usually about something else and not just the situation in front of the reader. For three she may have reason to think something is off, but I had to go on what she said that her husband wouldn’t give her anything to worry about. But I do know that sometimes in romantic relationships some people can make one almost insane with jealousy. I had another boyfriend who did this to me, it was like I changed personality with him and I guess that’s because ultimately, I didn’t really trust him? So maybe if you get really jealous it’s not just about you but the combination of you and someone else.
The podcast I did on Jealousy and Envy (there’s a difference) I did with Ryan Bennett-Clark is incredibly powerful and informative so do have a listen.